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Sometimes, the Almighty God seems to be a fairly decent fellow. He feeds his people when they are hungry, gives his people water when they are thirsty, clothes his people when they are running around naked, and even helps his people to win great battles.

Then there are the times when God is absolutely horrible. He makes threats on the lives of those who do not wish to follow him and listen to his cracker jacked message, he promotes the spread of disease and various other plagues, and even murders the children of those who refused to give into God's demands.

Now, several times in the Bible God's supposed covenant with man is mentioned, to include various facets of that covenant. Unfortunately for mankind God has quite the temper and is not in the least bit shy in dishing out divine sorrows regardless of the promises that were given to man.

When man is punished (usually by some great calamity such as war or horrible disease) God does his best to make excuses for his negligence in failing to hold up his end of the bargain. The number one promise that God has time and again breached is the availability of his love.

Whatever the promise given to man by God it is clear that there is considerable small print which immediately  puts man at a complete disadvantage. Here we will discuss the promises made to man in regards to God's love and will treat such promises as a contract.

The Contract of Love: The Small Print

This is an example of what the contract of love between God and Man might look like, according to the specific allowances of God, if such a thing had actually been created.

　

Contract for the Love of God

This contract for the love of God (the agreement) is made effective from the date Eternity to the date Eternity, and includes all of the Infinity in between.

BETWEEN: God Almighty, also known as God, The Alpha and Omega, The I Am, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Lamb, The Lord God of Hosts, The Most High, Jesus Christ, Christ Jesus, The Messiah, The Savior, The Shepherd, The Good Shepherd, Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus Christ, The Crucified, The Redeemer, The Resurrected, The Master, The Constant Gardener, Love, Everlasting Life, The Ultimate, The Everything, The Master Carpenter, The Master Musician, The Father, The Heavenly Father, God The Father, God The Son, God The Holy Spirit, The Trinity, The Gift, The Spirit, The Word, The Promise, The Way

Address: The Universe and Everywhere and Anywhere

AND: Man, also known as The Creation, The Likeness of God, Rebellious, Sinner, The Sinning, The Damned, Mankind, Humankind, Homo Sapiens

Address: Planet Earth

                                                            _______________

In consideration of all of the agreements and or promises involving or including the emotion of love originating with the Most Divine and High Being God, the parties agree as follows:

I  General Definition of God’s Love

A. Corinthians…love is patient, love is kind! Let they on whom the burden of this document rests note I Corinthians 13:4-8, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”

B. God is Love…Let they upon whom the burden of this document rests note I John 4:16, “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”

C. God is Love…Let they upon whom the burden of this document rests note I John 4:8, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

II Origin of God’s Love
A. Let it be known unto those upon whom this document is a burden know of the origins of God’s Love and note John 1:1, “In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”

B. Let it be known unto those upon whom this document is a burden know of the origins of God’s Love and note Genesis 1:1, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”

C. Let it be known unto those upon whom this document is a burden know of the origins of God’s Love and note Colossians 1:7, “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”

D. Let it be known unto those upon whom the burden of this document rests to know of the origins of God’s love and note John 16:27, “No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.”

III Purpose of the Goods of the God of Love
A. To allow hope for mankind…Let it be known to those upon whom this document is burdened to note I John 3:11, “For this is the message that you heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.”

B. To show man God cares…Let it be known to those upon whom this document is burdened to note I John 4:7, “Dear friends, let us love one another; for love has its origin in God, and everyone who loves has become a child of God and is beginning to know God.”

C. To show man that God cares…John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but shall have eternal life.”

D. To exert superiority…Let it be known to those upon whom this document is burdened to note Revelation 1:8, “I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.”

E. To Control…Let it be known to those upon whom this document is a burden to note II John 1:5, “And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another.”

IV Storage of the Goods of Love
A. The heart of man…I Peter 1:22, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from your heart.”

B. The heart of man…I Timothy 1:5, “The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”

C. The mind of man…John 13:34, “A new commandment I give unto you: Love one another. As I have loved you so you must love one another.”

D. The will of man…Matthew 5:44, “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

E. Churches and cathedrals…Luke 7:5, “…because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue.”

V Jurisdiction of God’s Love
A. The individual…Matthew 7:12, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the prophets.”

B. The family unit…Matthew 19:19, “Honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

C. The family unit…John 15:13, “Greater love has no one but this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

D. Society…I Thessalonians 5:15, “Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.”

E. Society…Roman’s 13:10, “Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

F. Society…Galatians 6:2, “Carry each others’ burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

G. Social Justice…Amos 5:15, “Hate evil; love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the Lord God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph.”

H. Social Justice…Galatians 5:14, “ The entire law is summed up in a single command: love your neighbor as yourself.”

I. Social Justice…James 2:12, “Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom.”

J. Hospitals…Matthew 4:14, “When Jesus landed and saw a huge crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.”

K. Televangelist Broadcasts…Matthew 22:37, “Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”

L. Sporting Events…Romans 2:8, “But for those who, from a love of competition, are not guided by what is true, will come the heat of his wrath.”

M. Wars… Psalm 97:10, “Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.”

N. Wars…Matthew 12:18, “Here is my servant whom I have chosen, whom I love, and in whom I delight. I will put my Spirit on him, and he will announce justice to the nations.”

O. Wars…John 15:19, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”

P. Wars…Romans 8:35, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?”

Q. Wars…Romans 8:37, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loves us.”

R. Elections…Romans 8:28, “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.”

S. Penal Institutions…John 8:32, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

T. Penal Institutions…Romans 6:18, “You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.”

VI Transfer of God’s Love
A. To all Mankind…I Peter 2:16, “Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God.”

B. From the evangelizing to the prospective converted…I Peter 3:8-9, “Finally, be you all of one mind, having compassion of one another, love as brothers, be pitiful, be courteous.”

C. From God to Jesus to the little Children…Mark 10:14, “When Jesus saw this he was indignant. He said to them, let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”

D. From God to his chosen people…Hebrews 10:24, “And let us consider how we may provoke one another toward love and good deeds.”

VII Delivery of God’s Love
A. From the very mouth of God…Ephesians 2:4, “But God, being rich in mercy, for his great love with which he loves us.”

B. From the Bible… James 2:8, “If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right.”

C. From the Pope and all the clergy…I Corinthians 12:28, “And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different types of tongues.”

VIII Notice of Infallibility of God’s Love
A. I John 4:18, “There is no fear in love. But, perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

B. II Thessalonians 2:16, “Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace.”

C. Colossians 3:14, “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them altogether in perfect harmony.”

D. I Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love conquers over a multitude of sins.”

E. Ephesians 6:24, “Grace be with all those who love our Lord Jesus Christ with incorruptible love.”

IX Strength and Power of God’s Love
A. I Corinthians 7:22, “For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord’s freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ’s slave.”

B. I Corinthians 13:13, “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

C. II Corinthians 3:17, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

D. Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up dissention, but love conquers over all wrongs.”

E. II Timothy 1:7, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”

F. Romans 8:39, “Neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

G. Song of Solomon 8:6, ‘Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealously unyielding as the grave.”

X Less Than Pleasant and Favorable Circumstances
A. Garden of Eden…Genesis 3:23, “So the Lord God punished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.”

B. Children of Israel in Egypt…Exodus 20:5-6, “You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

C. Forty years wandering in the desert…Exodus 15:13, “In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.”

XI Limitations
A. Homosexuality or Lesbianism…Romans 12:9, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good.”

B. Atheism…II Thessalonians 2:10, “And in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They parish because they refused to love the truth.”

C. Feminist Movement…I Corinthians 14:34, “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says.”

D. Feminist movement…I Corinthians 14:35, “If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.”

E. Too many questions…I Timothy 6:4, “He is conceited and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions.”

F. Too much love…Matthew 10:37, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”

XII Effect of Agreement
A. Eternity…The same thing as Infinity

B. Infinity…The same thing as Eternity

C. Until Judgment Day…Comprised of both Infinity and Eternity

The rights and responsibilities set forth in this agreement shall inure to the benefit of, and be binding on God and Man and Man’s respective heirs, executors, administrators, successors and assigns.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, God and Man have executed this agreement at Eternity (place) and on Infinity (date).

　

GodAuthorized Signature

God Almighty, also known as God, The Alpha and Omega, The I Am, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Lamb, The Lord God of Hosts, The Most High, Jesus Christ, Christ Jesus, The Messiah, The Savior, The Shepherd, The Good Shepherd, Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus Christ, The Crucified, The Redeemer, The Resurrected, The Master, The Constant Gardener, Love, Everlasting Life, The Ultimate, The Everything, The Master Carpenter, The Master Musician, The Father, The Heavenly Father, God The Father, God The Son, God The Holy Spirit, The Trinity, The Gift, The Spirit, The Word, The Promise, The Way

Print Name and Title

　

ManAuthorized Signature

Man, also known as The Creation, The Likeness of God, Rebellious, Sinner, The Sinning, The Damned, Mankind, Humankind, Homo Sapiens

Print Name and Title

end of contract

_______________________

Any lawyer possessing the necessary knowledge for a basic understanding of contracts and contract law would point out the huge and blaring mistakes and contradictions in this contract from beginning to end. However, for the sake of general shits and giggles let us assume that you, the Reader, and I, the Author, are attorneys working together on a consultation in regards to this particular contract.

Our job is to review this contract and, per request of our client, Mankind, find any stipulation within that is considered to be unfair, unjust, or that otherwise constitutes a clear breach of this agreement on the part of God. Should any valid evidence be found as to the purported breach on the part of God, Mankind would then have the legal right to file a cause of action for every stipulation that was breached.

Also, let us also assume for the sake of argument and without penalty that our client was not the individual who drew-up or prepared this document. In fact, not at any time was our client offered the opportunity to edit, revise, or contribute to this contract in any way shape or form or process. Whatever issues we may spot we will notate them in laymen’s terms and not the all-out, courtroom spectacle, bullshit legal jargon that anyone other than a judge or attorney wouldn’t understand.

Now, our client is very upset in regards to the issues related to this contract. He is so upset that he requests that we immediately file causes of action of breach against the contract participant God, filing separate causes of action against each and every stipulation within the contract. Before that can be considered as a viable course of action we must review each and every stipulation. Let us put on our open-minded thinking caps.

I. General Definition of God’s Love

Our client alleges that God gave a really super explanation of love and everything it entailed, including it supposedly being a character attribute of God, but then exhibited a pattern of behavior that served only to put such attributes claimed by God into question. Our client further alleges that when God became angry he flew into rages where he would recount all of man’s misdeeds, would at times loudly declare that he (God) regretted making man in the first place, subjected man to tiresome, dangerous, and grueling situations where more often than not many people were killed, and persistently demanded the attentions of man under the threat of taking everything of value from man, or even simply fucking up whatever deplorable situation man was in even more than it already was. Mankind further states that for some reason God seemed preoccupied with his wrath far more often than when he focused on his purported love

II. The Origin of God’s Love

Mankind holds that while God claimed numerous times that his love held everything together he seemed far more interested in simply tearing things apart. God told Mankind that he (God) was before all things, and, in addition, God was Love. This being the case Mankind connected the spiritual dots and came to the conclusion that if God was truly love and if God truly existed before all things, then it stood to reason that love also existed before all things. Mankind alleges that God purposely provokes those groups of mankind that think differently from one another, that God exhibits a carelessly wanton attitude by inciting those within Mankind to fight over what their holy books have to say about the origin of love. At the same time, Mankind alleges that God purposely fails and forgets to show and share the true unity and divinely universal nature of love.

III. Purpose of the Goods of the God of Love

Declaring to have many witnesses available should this matter end up in court for breach of contract by God, Mankind asserts that God purposely abuses his power of love. Instead of using love to show that he cares God, as accused by Mankind, works up the hopes of the people in regards to love. Then, whenever he feels like it, God revokes such love or finds an excuse to lessen the love unless those in his charge do exactly as he wants, even if what he wants is for people to kill each other. Mankind asserts that love is supposed to be something that brings people together, but that God regularly utilizes it as a weapon, a tool with which to create what in reality is equivalent to a religious version of Friday Night Fights…except that those who are inevitably drawn into such a lethal foray don’t just fight on Fridays; they fight every day of the week and at all hours of the day.

IV. The Storage of the Goods of Love

According to legal and completely valid documents acquired by Mankind in regards to God, Mankind asserts that he can prove that while God does give man storage receptacles for love, the problem is that most of these receptacles are malfunctioning in some manner or other. Most of the time, Mankind asserts, the malfunction of the receptacles intended to hold love is due to wicked manipulation by God. The most common way that our client states that God does this is by seeding fear amongst people so that they will fight over anything and everything, especially when it comes to religion. Mankind very boldly states that God does this purposely in order to glean the attention he so badly craves, attention that many within Mankind do not realize they are giving to one so undeserving as they ask for God’s help in destroying their fellow man.

V. Jurisdiction of God’s Love

Of the many complaints our client harbors against God, those complaints centered on the jurisdiction of God’s love are some of the fiercest offered up by Mankind. Our client argues that since God (and Love) were antecedent to everything within existence that their presence is everywhere, all the time, and must be so out of necessity being as though they are not only First Cause, but are in fact the Omnipotent Almighty. Therefore, any purposeful withholding of love from man by God, to include those instances where God purposely hardens people’s hearts or blinds their sense of humanity from compassion, are tragic acts of divine treason that all serve the same purpose of feeding God’s pathological appetite for attention.

VI. The Transfer of God’s Love

Mankind asserts that while God promises man great, immense, and complete love he never really delivers. Instead, Mankind alleges, people are sent on wild goose chases where they hunt down holy shrouds, holy chalices, ancient holy scriptures, holy incantations and prayers, holy objects, and proofs of God and all things divine. God purposely blinds the hearts of men to the fact that all man needs to do in order to find and feel and experience the depth of love is to recognize love, then love themselves, then love one another. Mankind alleges that the reason why God persists to hide from people the fact that all already have love within themselves is that he (God) does not wish to lose or relinquish any of the attention he has managed to squeeze from the frail emotional sponge of humanity since times immortal.

VII. Delivery of God’s Love

Much like the transfer of God’s Love, the delivery of the same has been thoroughly and maliciously tampered with according to Mankind. Much like God did to man at the Tower of Babel when he confused the speech and understanding of humans, God goes a step further with his reckless stirring of the pot of the delivery of love and craftily gives unto man many different interpretations of love. After he has done this, God sits back and gleefully claps his hands as he watches man fight over whose interpretation of love and the love of God is correct. Clergy, priests, popes, cardinals, preachers, reverends, televangelists, cult leaders, cult followers, messiahs, prophets, seers, elders, and many of the like tear at each others’ throats as they all clamor for the highest position within the hierarchy of love.

VIII. Notice of the Infallibility of God’s Love

Here, in what is the shortest complaint of Mankind in regards to the Contract of Love with God, Mankind simply states that God’s behavior and irrational decisions very clearly disqualify God’s love as being infallible, and in addition are proof that God was lying when he made such a claim that was entered into this contract as a stipulation.

IX. The Strength and Power of God’s Love

Mankind asserts that God purposely, willingly, voluntarily, and recklessly utilized the strength of his omnipotence as an unfair advantage, a tool with which to dangle the divine love of the universe over the heads of man in a cruel action intended to serve as entertainment for God. In addition, and in true bully-fashion, whenever men would request help of God they were instructed to fight or kill their fellow men, to steal homelands not belonging to themselves, to adopt absurd sacrificial ceremonies, to harass and berate those who would think or believe or live or love differently, all as a requirement for earning the supposed true and amazing and all-encompassing love of God…something they never received.

X. Less Than Pleasant and Favorable Circumstances

Herein this complaint is where Mankind holds that God’s greatest treasonous tragedy is egregiously acted out upon humanity. In an effort to convince Mankind that the love and spiritual tools necessary to sustain a life lived in love and truth and happiness are only available through God, his instructions, and his whims, God purposely treats those who would refuse his assistance (mainly because it was definitely NOT the kind of assistance any reasonable and clear-thinking individual would request) with nothing short of contempt. It is then out of his irrational anger and devastated pride that God hurts people or creates horrible and impossible situations for them. Then, the next time someone appears to think differently or go rogue on God, God points to those he has caused great suffering to and says, “You see what happened to them? They didn’t listen They didn’t believe. Do you want that to happen to you?” Such behavior by God is nothing short of threatening Mankind and may be construed as using force of fear in influencing Mankind to sign this contract.

XI. Limitations

Mankind holds that this particular stipulation is perhaps the most senseless as well as the most contradictory in its wording. The very idea that God’s Love is subject to some kind of limitation is pure stupidity. To prove this, one need only to remember that love is noted in the Bible as conquering all. ALL. There are no limitations on God, therefore since God is Love, it also has no limitations. If God is omnipotent, then so is love which should make it available to anyone and everyone at any time in any place. Since love conquers all there cannot exist within it any kind of hierarchy of action or supposed sin by which God doles out love in varying degrees according to what the individual receiving the love supposedly deserves. Love is incapable of withholding itself from someone based on any sexual orientation or preference, political affiliation, gender, cultural background, beliefs, faiths, prejudices, fears, or anything for that matter, because each one of those things is part of the ‘all’ that love conquers.

XII. Effect of Agreement

Here is one of the screwiest parts of this contract. God notes that it is an agreement that is binding forever, through infinity, and into eternity. Notwithstanding the fact that God has violated every part of this agreement, but the dates entered into the agreement are in no way appropriate for Mankind. Sure, God and his love have been around forever, in infinity, and through Eternity…but Mankind has not been around forever, in infinity, and through eternity. So, for Mankind to sign a contract that denotes such is improper, for if Mankind can sign such an agreement with such dates of effect, and if God accepts this signature by Mankind, then God is in effect saying that Mankind has also been around from the very beginning of forever and in infinity and through eternity. What would that mean? That would mean that at best Mankind is equal to God, and at the least has been around just as long as God has.

After our review of this contract we would contact our client, Mankind, and inform him that he does indeed have all the necessary elements to file a cause of action for breach of contract against God.


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I Swear, Temptation Galore, Token Agreements, and Broken Promises

“For when God made promise to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he swore by himself,” Hebrews 6:13

I purposely start this chapter with the verse from Hebrews that states that since God could swear by no one greater, he swore by himself. I have problems with this verse for a couple of reasons. First, since when does God, or since when would God, find it necessary to swear by anything when making a promise? And secondly, since God is essential to the Trinity, the Trinity being the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, wouldn’t swearing by himself constitute swearing by the Holy Spirit (part of himself) which would then be blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, something expressly prohibited in the Bible? Let us go point by point beginning with the first question and continuing in numerical order.

Since when does God, or since when would God find it necessary to swear by anything when making a promise? According to the American Heritage Dictionary (2001 Fourth Edition), the word ‘swear’ means,

“1. To make a solemn declaration. 2. To promise; vow. 3. To use profane oaths; curse. 4. To assert under oath. 5. To declare or affirm with great conviction. 6. To administer a legal oath to.”

Provided that God retains all of the characteristics as so mentioned within the Holy Bible I just cannot imagine God being anything other than solemn, right? Sure, the Bible does in fact mention God laughing, or rather, expressing mirth. Generally though, these verses are more along the lines of God laughing at someone and not with them. This is evidenced in this verse:

“But the one who rules in heaven laughs; the Lord scoffs at them,” Psalm 2:4.

Going back to the definition of swear it also means to promise or vow. Okay. I get that. However, that simply does not apply here in the sense of making a promise or vow, because, if you read the Hebrews verse carefully you will see that God first made the promise to Abraham and THEN swore on himself. So, God cannot say that he intended the verse to signify his swear as a promise he had made with Abraham. Again, the verse clearly states God made the promise antecedent to swearing.

The third definition of profane oaths certainly does not apply. I also think that the fourth definition does not apply because that definition says, “…to assert under oath.” There is no reason for God to do such a thing as assert under oath. To assert under oath implies that there is a higher power or higher authority that the individual swearing will be held accountable to should the terms of the promise or vow be violated by either of the parties involved. An oath is also a way of ensuring the involved individuals are telling the truth, like a sort of super-promise, if you will. These things just do not apply to God, though. God could not do that, swear to be held liable in case of a lie on his part, if he wanted to as such would mean there is a power greater than God that God must submit to.

The fifth part of the dictionary definition is, “…to declare or affirm with great conviction.” Again we run into a problem, and in this case it has to do with the vocal authority of God. Think back to the story of Creation in the book of Genesis. What does it say? It says “Then God said” and following that whatever God said simply was. There was nothing noted about God having to say anything more than once. In fact, it only makes sense that God would only have to say something once being as though whatever he says goes…no matter what. It is the ultimate in authority that is expressed through speech when the expressing individual only has to say something once. Any more than once and there is a silent inference that the expressing individual simply is not as powerful as they would like to think they are. God would never need to declare or affirm any one of his commands; this is because the fact that he is God automatically included all authority from any direction on any level with his original statement.

The last part of the dictionary meaning is, “To administer a legal oath to.” The term ‘legal’ pertains to law, and it really doesn’t matter whether that law is spiritual, mental, physical, and so on and so forth. The point of the term is to denote liability should any involved statutes, laws, legislation, or the like be broken by any individuals involved. In addition, since, according to the Holy Bible, God is considered be the highest authority anywhere and perfect in all of his omnipotence, there would be no need for an oath or swear due to that supposed perfection. There would be absolutely zero possibility that he would or even could break his promises. For God to swear by himself is contradictory to his nature of perfection as well as a waste of time.

Temptation(s) seems to enjoy a good amount of attention in the Bible. Many individuals are familiar with the line from the Lord’s prayer that goes, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one,” Matthew 6:13. Yet another verse states, “Let no one say, being tempted, from God I am tempted, for God is not tempted of evil, and himself doth tempt no one,” James 1:13. If you really think about it the idea that God does not tempt is a bunch of poppycock. If God is in control of everything, and if nothing can come into existence but by God, and if man is to be subject to the perfection of God, then ultimately God is responsible for any temptation that occurs…because He, God, is considered first cause.

When I was a kid I specifically remember being told on many an occasion that man has zero control over anything in the universe, cannot in himself create anything from scratch (because God is first cause and everything flows from him), and certainly possesses no power or authority or title that would allow for him in any way to issue a decree, verdict, or action that supersedes anything derived of God (which is everything). Then in the next breath I was taught that God gave man freewill, which makes man responsible for all the bullshit temptations he creates and gives into.

So, which is it? Does man have any kind of power, or doesn’t he? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot say God is the ultimate Creator and that man has no creative jurisdiction, then turn around and say man abuses his freewill by creating temptation. That is so stupid. If man has zero power and authority to create substance from the lack of substance it would then follow reasonably that man cannot create temptation on his own where there is no temptation. In order for man to do anything with temptation it has to first exist AND man must be aware of it.

Everything has to start somewhere, right? For everything that exists there is supposed to be one force, one mitigating and motivating factor…God. Certainly man could manipulate what God has already brought into existence, but he cannot create in the truest, purest sense of the word. Therefore, temptation must begin with God. In other words, man may have the ability to vary the degrees of temptation but it is God who is responsible for introducing such a loathsome thing in the first place. When I was younger, one of the things that bothered me the most when I tried to get answers to these type of questions and issues was that eventually, whomever I was asking ran out of answers and simply stated, “Well, God works in mysterious ways that we do not understand. We have to accept that. It is his divine plan.” What a cop-out.

When it came to the temptation of Jesus Christ it also occurred to me that there were a few things that were just a little screwy. I was taught that the whole point of Jesus being tempted by Satan was to show his perfection relative of being the Son of God, to show mankind how we were supposed to behave in the face of temptation, and to show the loving strength of Jesus that allowed him to rebuke Satan and resist his temptations. Since all men are born into sin they simply cannot avoid all temptation on their own; they need Jesus to do that.

Here lies the problem, though. Look at the differences in the degrees of temptation that Jesus is subjected to by Satan, as opposed to the degrees of temptation that beckon man whichever way he turns. What is Jesus’ first temptation? Well, he has been in the wilderness for quite a spell and is hungry. Satan is aware that Jesus is hungry and so tells Jesus to change some stones into bread so he can have something to eat. Then Satan takes Jesus to stand on the temple roof and tells him to jump off to see if God will catch him. The very last thing Satan tempts Jesus with is the possession of all the cities and kingdoms of the world, if only Jesus will bow down and worship Satan.

Now let’s look at some of the things man is tempted with, shall we? Well, we have drugs (both legal and illegal), sex and all the subjects and themes related to sex, foods that are anything but healthy to eat, money, more money, politics, the desire of the strong to subjugate the weak, anger (whether or not it is justified), and an amazing array of other temptations. How in the hell can Jesus’ temptations even come close to the severity of what man is tempted with? They cannot. The imbalance between the two is immense and obvious. Well, Jesus was strong enough to resist temptation but man wasn’t. Really? Jesus was tempted to turn a friggin’ rock into bread so he could have something to eat; Joe Schmoe is regularly tempted to steal money from a multi-million dollar company or tempted to turn poppies into dope. Jesus was tempted to throw himself off of the temple roof to see if God would catch him; Joe Schmoe just can’t seem to shake his addiction to narcotics or internet porn. Jesus was tempted with the possession of the cities and kingdoms of the world; Joe Schmoe is tempted to destroy all the cities and kingdoms of the world that think and believe differently than he. Man simply has far more experience than Jesus ever had in dealing with temptation.

Consider this: Say that your vehicle needs engine repair. What do you do? You look for a good mechanic. How do you know if the mechanic is a good mechanic? You ask for references or examples to back up his assertion that he is a good mechanic. Apply that to the temptation issue at hand. People want to resist temptation and are even cautioned to do so. In order to facilitate overcoming those things which ought not to be done man is informed he needs Jesus to help him through the temptation. But, why would man do this? Why would man ask Jesus to help him with temptation when it is crystal clear that Jesus has ZERO experience when it comes to facing and defeating temptation as man knows it to be? If the mechanic you choose to work on your car claims to have experience repairing vehicles, but in reality that experience is nothing more than washing the windows and checking the oil you are going to want a different mechanic. Sure, the guy may be great at washing car windows and changing oil, but his proficiency in regards to such should not be confused with the experience necessary to work on and repair an engine. An engine is far more complicated than an oil filter and an oil pan. The bottom line is that Jesus’ supposed experience with temptation and defeating such is completely irrelevant and not in the least bit helpful in aiding man to deal with the heavy-duty temptation he regularly deals with.

Promises and agreements abound in the Bible just as temptation does. Whether it is God promising or agreeing to something with man, or men coming to an agreement or promise between themselves, there is plenty to work with. Here, I will not bother with the agreements and promises between men, but agreements and promises between God and man.

Let us first look to our customary dictionary meaning of the word ‘promise’ and the word ‘agreement.’ According to the American heritage Dictionary (2001, Fourth Edition) a promise is, “1a. A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; vow. 1b Something promised. 2 Indication of something favorable to come, esp. future excellence or success.” The word agreement means,”1 Harmony of opinion; accord. 2. An arrangement between parties regarding a method of action or covenant. 3. Law. 4. A properly executed and legally binding compact. 5. Correspondence in gender, number, case, or person between words.”

Now, these definitions seem harmless enough until you take a look at some of the things in the Bible said by God that qualify as promises or agreements. Being that God is God and his word is law it follows out of necessity that God himself is the ultimate in authority and law. When it comes to an agreement the definition says that a harmony of opinion as well as an arrangement between parties constitutes an agreement. However, how can this be when some of the so-called agreements God makes are devoid of harmony or arrangement between parties? Have you really and truly read some of the promises and agreements in the Bible? Some are entirely horrible and absolutely nothing that man (at least not those men in their right mind) would ever agree to or find harmony of opinion with. Yet, God gets away with making all sorts of terrible promises and agreements simply because he is God, and if he says there is an agreement or promise, then, by golly, there is a promise or agreement…regardless of what man has to say on the matter.

Here we will take a look at various promises made by God. Understand that I will not list them all, but instead choose those promises that become twisted in the mind of God or that for some reason have some very small print that man, unfortunately, fails to recognize until it is too late. I will list the verses and then add my personal comments and opinions.

“I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood and destroy all life,” Genesis 9:15. This verse is a fine example of God playing semantics with man. Think about Hurricane Katrina, the tidal waves that struck Indonesia, The tsunami that struck Japan, deadly floods in Galveston, Texas, decimating floods in the Midwest United States…the list goes on and on. While I mention only a very few floods, there are many, many more within all of human history. In many cases the numbers of lives lost are absolutely staggering:

In 1707, Hoei, Japan, a large earthquake caused a tsunami that killed approximately 30,000 deaths. In Tosa, about 18,441 drowned.

In 1887, in Henan, China, the Huang He swelled with heavy rains and overflowed the levees. 900,000 people were killed.

In 1931, the Huang He flood and caused 1,000,000 to 3,700,000 to drown.



In 1949, a flood in Eastern Guatemala killed 40,000 people.

The reasonable person my take a look at the floods and the huge loss of life directly resulting from such floods, and wonder what the hell happened to the promise God made with Noah? Didn’t God promise that never again would waters come together in a flood to destroy all life? If that is the case, some might argue, then God is in obvious violation of his covenant with Noah, right? The surprising answer is no.

I can remember being a little kid and seeing news footage of horrible floods that killed thousands upon thousands of people. I specifically recall asking why God would allow such things to happen when he made a promise that they wouldn’t happen? The answer given to me was that God had not violated his promise since the verses about God’s covenant with Noah clearly stated that God promised to never again cause a flood that would destroy ALL life. Basically, this meant that so long as the floods did not cover the entire earth and kill everyone, well, God was not in violation of his promise. Apparently, the covenant God made with Noah did not preclude, prevent, or inhibit God from causing floods here and there, even when said floods resulted in the deaths of huge numbers of people.

“Not one of all the Lord’s good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled,” Joshua 21:45. That is probably because there were just not that many good promises. Frankly, some of the promises were rotten, down-right threats to get the Children of Israel to do whatever God wanted them to do.

“The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving to all he has made,” Psalm 145:13b. Another misguided and deluded verse that makes it sound like God is a really great guy when he really is not. In spiritual semantics this verse would really mean that the Lord is faithful to the promises he has made to people who do whatever he requires of them. Woe to those to whom God has promised anything when they do not listen to him.

“I will listen to what God the Lord will say, he promises peace to his people, his saints-but let them not return to folly,” Psalm 85:8. Yeah, sure. See the last part of that verse? The part that says to not let them return to folly is just another fancy-schmansy way of saying people had better do what God wants them to do or else. And another thing, Israel is supposed to be God’s chosen people, right? Well, take a look at the nation of Israel. God might have promised them peace, but he sure as hell has not given it to them. Instead, God has seen to it to place his supposed chosen people smack in the middle of a whole bunch of nations who despise these Children of God, who actually want them dead, and who are very persistent in trying to see such through.

“Then they believed his promises and sang his praise,” Psalm 106:12. And therein lies several problems. The first problem is that people believed his (God’s) promises. God is a being that people have NEVER seen except in the form of a burning bush, pillar of fire, or divine plague. Sometimes God does send angels in his stead, but we are not talking about angels here, okay? We are talking about God. Now, just because his name is God, that does not mean he should get any more credibility than the next individual without providing proper validation. Yet, people still take whatever God promises. The second problem is these same people failed to get everything God promised in writing, and I DON’T mean the freaking Bible, either. I mean actual contract form here, because any other way God seems to be very good at twisting words around, whether they are his words or the words of man. Then, as should be foreseeable to the average brain, when the promises do not actualize and people ask God why he gives some excuse that the terms of the promise are not being obeyed by the people, that they are not behaving in a manner according to the small print of the original promise. Of course, without any literal contract or some type of record to show what the original promise was comprised of the people are left empty-handed. The third problem is that you have these people singing praises to God for the promises he has made when they really should have held off on the singing of God’s praises until they had the fruits of those promises in their little hot hands.

“Blessed be Jehovah, who has given rest to his people Israel, according to all that he promised: there has not failed one word of all his good promises which he spoke through Moses his servant,” I Kings 8:56. Of course there has not failed one good word of his promises…because there were never any good promises. Frankly, it seems like God looks for ways to get out of the promises he has made, looks for the misbehavior of man in order to yank the carpet out from underneath him, or makes promises to man that God knows he will never have to see through being as though he already knows the people he has promised something to will misbehave or do something that pisses him off.

“How sweet are your promises to my taste, more than honey in my mouth,” Psalm 119:103. This verse is the biblical version of that age-old adage, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

“Your promises have been thoroughly tested, and your servant loves them,” Psalm 119:140. I was thinking about the sheer lunacy of this verse. Of course a person is going to tell God that the promises God has made are good. Of course this person(s) will say that they love the promises. For Christ’s sake, they are talking about an all-powerful, divine being who created all life and could just as easily erase that life out if it so pleases him. No one wants to speak up and point out God’s severe inefficiencies because for all they know a bolt of lightning will send them straight to hell.

“By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Issac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son,” Hebrews 11:17. I remember hearing verses like this when I was a kid and worrying whether or not God would ever ask me to do something that I either felt was wrong to do, or that had the potential of hurting another being, all in an effort to test my faith and trust in God. By the time I was about fourteen-years-old I decided that an omnipotent God that chose to test people in such a manner (when there was no reason to due to his omnipotence) was sadistic, twisted, disharmonious with all of the love that he was supposed to be, and nowhere near just. A just, true, loving God would never, ever request those in his charge to do something that is in reality nothing short of fucked up.

“Let us hold firmly to an unflinching avowal of our hope, for he is faithful who gave us the promises,” Hebrews 10:23. If you are faithful to God and do all that he asks and requires of you, then when you die (or when the world goes up in a big ball of flames) you will be granted full enjoyment of all of God’s promises. This is the type of scripture that ferries the religious fanatics of the world ever deeper into the land of Lethal Faith, where it is absolutely okay, and even recommended, to wage war on those within society who believe or think differently. Why is it okay? Because so long as you are following the Word of God, the Will of God, and the Commandments of God…well, you are good to go. At that point it does not matter if you are murdering doctors who perform abortions or flying planes into buildings in an effort to rid the earth of as many infidels as possible; you are considered in the eyes of the ultimate divine as being true and faithful, thereby deserving whatever God promised (by inference or otherwise) to you be it heaven or even paradise with seventy-two virgins.

“But the scripture has concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe,” Galatians 3:22. So, I was thinking that this verse basically means that Jesus Christ has made some amazing and spectacular promises, promises that you may indeed participate in…if only you have faith in him. Oh, and don’t forget that your requirement to have faith does not end with Jesus Christ, but also applies to the promises he made, because, you see, even believing in him will not help you to see the ultimate of his promise, heaven. Sure, he promised it to you, but you have to wait until you die to find out if you really do end up in heaven.


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