Sometimes, the Almighty God seems to be a fairly decent fellow. He feeds his people when they are hungry, gives his people water when they are thirsty, clothes his people when they are running around naked, and even helps his people to win great battles.
Then there are the times when God is absolutely horrible. He makes threats on the lives of those who do not wish to follow him and listen to his cracker jacked message, he promotes the spread of disease and various other plagues, and even murders the children of those who refused to give into God's demands.
Now, several times in the Bible God's supposed covenant with man is mentioned, to include various facets of that covenant. Unfortunately for mankind God has quite the temper and is not in the least bit shy in dishing out divine sorrows regardless of the promises that were given to man.
When man is punished (usually by some great calamity such as war or horrible disease) God does his best to make excuses for his negligence in failing to hold up his end of the bargain. The number one promise that God has time and again breached is the availability of his love.
Whatever the promise given to man by God it is clear that there is considerable small print which immediately puts man at a complete disadvantage. Here we will discuss the promises made to man in regards to God's love and will treat such promises as a contract.
The Contract of Love: The Small Print
This is an example of what the contract of love between God and Man might look like, according to the specific allowances of God, if such a thing had actually been created.
Contract for the Love of God
This contract for the love of God (the agreement) is made effective from the date Eternity to the date Eternity, and includes all of the Infinity in between.
BETWEEN: God Almighty, also known as God, The Alpha and Omega, The I Am, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Lamb, The Lord God of Hosts, The Most High, Jesus Christ, Christ Jesus, The Messiah, The Savior, The Shepherd, The Good Shepherd, Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus Christ, The Crucified, The Redeemer, The Resurrected, The Master, The Constant Gardener, Love, Everlasting Life, The Ultimate, The Everything, The Master Carpenter, The Master Musician, The Father, The Heavenly Father, God The Father, God The Son, God The Holy Spirit, The Trinity, The Gift, The Spirit, The Word, The Promise, The Way
AND: Man, also known as The Creation, The Likeness of God, Rebellious, Sinner, The Sinning, The Damned, Mankind, Humankind, Homo Sapiens
In consideration of all of the agreements and or promises involving or including the emotion of love originating with the Most Divine and High Being God, the parties agree as follows:
I General Definition of God’s Love
A. Corinthians…love is patient, love is kind! Let they on whom the burden of this document rests note I Corinthians 13:4-8, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
B. God is Love…Let they upon whom the burden of this document rests note I John 4:16, “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”
C. God is Love…Let they upon whom the burden of this document rests note I John 4:8, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
II Origin of God’s Love
B. Let it be known unto those upon whom this document is a burden know of the origins of God’s Love and note Genesis 1:1, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”
C. Let it be known unto those upon whom this document is a burden know of the origins of God’s Love and note Colossians 1:7, “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”
D. Let it be known unto those upon whom the burden of this document rests to know of the origins of God’s love and note John 16:27, “No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.”
III Purpose of the Goods of the God of Love
B. To show man God cares…Let it be known to those upon whom this document is burdened to note I John 4:7, “Dear friends, let us love one another; for love has its origin in God, and everyone who loves has become a child of God and is beginning to know God.”
C. To show man that God cares…John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but shall have eternal life.”
D. To exert superiority…Let it be known to those upon whom this document is burdened to note Revelation 1:8, “I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.”
E. To Control…Let it be known to those upon whom this document is a burden to note II John 1:5, “And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another.”
IV Storage of the Goods of Love
B. The heart of man…I Timothy 1:5, “The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”
C. The mind of man…John 13:34, “A new commandment I give unto you: Love one another. As I have loved you so you must love one another.”
D. The will of man…Matthew 5:44, “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
E. Churches and cathedrals…Luke 7:5, “…because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue.”
V Jurisdiction of God’s Love
B. The family unit…Matthew 19:19, “Honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.”
C. The family unit…John 15:13, “Greater love has no one but this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
D. Society…I Thessalonians 5:15, “Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.”
E. Society…Roman’s 13:10, “Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”
F. Society…Galatians 6:2, “Carry each others’ burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
G. Social Justice…Amos 5:15, “Hate evil; love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the Lord God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph.”
H. Social Justice…Galatians 5:14, “ The entire law is summed up in a single command: love your neighbor as yourself.”
I. Social Justice…James 2:12, “Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom.”
J. Hospitals…Matthew 4:14, “When Jesus landed and saw a huge crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.”
K. Televangelist Broadcasts…Matthew 22:37, “Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
L. Sporting Events…Romans 2:8, “But for those who, from a love of competition, are not guided by what is true, will come the heat of his wrath.”
M. Wars… Psalm 97:10, “Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.”
N. Wars…Matthew 12:18, “Here is my servant whom I have chosen, whom I love, and in whom I delight. I will put my Spirit on him, and he will announce justice to the nations.”
O. Wars…John 15:19, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”
P. Wars…Romans 8:35, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?”
Q. Wars…Romans 8:37, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loves us.”
R. Elections…Romans 8:28, “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.”
S. Penal Institutions…John 8:32, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
T. Penal Institutions…Romans 6:18, “You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.”
VI Transfer of God’s Love
B. From the evangelizing to the prospective converted…I Peter 3:8-9, “Finally, be you all of one mind, having compassion of one another, love as brothers, be pitiful, be courteous.”
C. From God to Jesus to the little Children…Mark 10:14, “When Jesus saw this he was indignant. He said to them, let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
D. From God to his chosen people…Hebrews 10:24, “And let us consider how we may provoke one another toward love and good deeds.”
VII Delivery of God’s Love
B. From the Bible… James 2:8, “If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right.”
C. From the Pope and all the clergy…I Corinthians 12:28, “And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different types of tongues.”
VIII Notice of Infallibility of God’s Love
B. II Thessalonians 2:16, “Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace.”
C. Colossians 3:14, “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them altogether in perfect harmony.”
D. I Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love conquers over a multitude of sins.”
E. Ephesians 6:24, “Grace be with all those who love our Lord Jesus Christ with incorruptible love.”
IX Strength and Power of God’s Love
B. I Corinthians 13:13, “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
C. II Corinthians 3:17, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
D. Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up dissention, but love conquers over all wrongs.”
E. II Timothy 1:7, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.”
F. Romans 8:39, “Neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
G. Song of Solomon 8:6, ‘Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealously unyielding as the grave.”
X Less Than Pleasant and Favorable Circumstances
B. Children of Israel in Egypt…Exodus 20:5-6, “You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”
C. Forty years wandering in the desert…Exodus 15:13, “In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.”
B. Atheism…II Thessalonians 2:10, “And in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They parish because they refused to love the truth.”
C. Feminist Movement…I Corinthians 14:34, “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says.”
D. Feminist movement…I Corinthians 14:35, “If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.”
E. Too many questions…I Timothy 6:4, “He is conceited and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions.”
F. Too much love…Matthew 10:37, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
XII Effect of Agreement
B. Infinity…The same thing as Eternity
C. Until Judgment Day…Comprised of both Infinity and Eternity
The rights and responsibilities set forth in this agreement shall inure to the benefit of, and be binding on God and Man and Man’s respective heirs, executors, administrators, successors and assigns.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, God and Man have executed this agreement at Eternity (place) and on Infinity (date).
God Almighty, also known as God, The Alpha and Omega, The I Am, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Lamb, The Lord God of Hosts, The Most High, Jesus Christ, Christ Jesus, The Messiah, The Savior, The Shepherd, The Good Shepherd, Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus Christ, The Crucified, The Redeemer, The Resurrected, The Master, The Constant Gardener, Love, Everlasting Life, The Ultimate, The Everything, The Master Carpenter, The Master Musician, The Father, The Heavenly Father, God The Father, God The Son, God The Holy Spirit, The Trinity, The Gift, The Spirit, The Word, The Promise, The Way
Print Name and Title
Man, also known as The Creation, The Likeness of God, Rebellious, Sinner, The Sinning, The Damned, Mankind, Humankind, Homo Sapiens
Print Name and Title
end of contract
Any lawyer possessing the necessary knowledge for a basic understanding of contracts and contract law would point out the huge and blaring mistakes and contradictions in this contract from beginning to end. However, for the sake of general shits and giggles let us assume that you, the Reader, and I, the Author, are attorneys working together on a consultation in regards to this particular contract.
Our job is to review this contract and, per request of our client, Mankind, find any stipulation within that is considered to be unfair, unjust, or that otherwise constitutes a clear breach of this agreement on the part of God. Should any valid evidence be found as to the purported breach on the part of God, Mankind would then have the legal right to file a cause of action for every stipulation that was breached.
Also, let us also assume for the sake of argument and without penalty that our client was not the individual who drew-up or prepared this document. In fact, not at any time was our client offered the opportunity to edit, revise, or contribute to this contract in any way shape or form or process. Whatever issues we may spot we will notate them in laymen’s terms and not the all-out, courtroom spectacle, bullshit legal jargon that anyone other than a judge or attorney wouldn’t understand.
Now, our client is very upset in regards to the issues related to this contract. He is so upset that he requests that we immediately file causes of action of breach against the contract participant God, filing separate causes of action against each and every stipulation within the contract. Before that can be considered as a viable course of action we must review each and every stipulation. Let us put on our open-minded thinking caps.
I. General Definition of God’s LoveOur client alleges that God gave a really super explanation of love and everything it entailed, including it supposedly being a character attribute of God, but then exhibited a pattern of behavior that served only to put such attributes claimed by God into question. Our client further alleges that when God became angry he flew into rages where he would recount all of man’s misdeeds, would at times loudly declare that he (God) regretted making man in the first place, subjected man to tiresome, dangerous, and grueling situations where more often than not many people were killed, and persistently demanded the attentions of man under the threat of taking everything of value from man, or even simply fucking up whatever deplorable situation man was in even more than it already was. Mankind further states that for some reason God seemed preoccupied with his wrath far more often than when he focused on his purported love
II. The Origin of God’s LoveMankind holds that while God claimed numerous times that his love held everything together he seemed far more interested in simply tearing things apart. God told Mankind that he (God) was before all things, and, in addition, God was Love. This being the case Mankind connected the spiritual dots and came to the conclusion that if God was truly love and if God truly existed before all things, then it stood to reason that love also existed before all things. Mankind alleges that God purposely provokes those groups of mankind that think differently from one another, that God exhibits a carelessly wanton attitude by inciting those within Mankind to fight over what their holy books have to say about the origin of love. At the same time, Mankind alleges that God purposely fails and forgets to show and share the true unity and divinely universal nature of love.
III. Purpose of the Goods of the God of LoveDeclaring to have many witnesses available should this matter end up in court for breach of contract by God, Mankind asserts that God purposely abuses his power of love. Instead of using love to show that he cares God, as accused by Mankind, works up the hopes of the people in regards to love. Then, whenever he feels like it, God revokes such love or finds an excuse to lessen the love unless those in his charge do exactly as he wants, even if what he wants is for people to kill each other. Mankind asserts that love is supposed to be something that brings people together, but that God regularly utilizes it as a weapon, a tool with which to create what in reality is equivalent to a religious version of Friday Night Fights…except that those who are inevitably drawn into such a lethal foray don’t just fight on Fridays; they fight every day of the week and at all hours of the day.
IV. The Storage of the Goods of LoveAccording to legal and completely valid documents acquired by Mankind in regards to God, Mankind asserts that he can prove that while God does give man storage receptacles for love, the problem is that most of these receptacles are malfunctioning in some manner or other. Most of the time, Mankind asserts, the malfunction of the receptacles intended to hold love is due to wicked manipulation by God. The most common way that our client states that God does this is by seeding fear amongst people so that they will fight over anything and everything, especially when it comes to religion. Mankind very boldly states that God does this purposely in order to glean the attention he so badly craves, attention that many within Mankind do not realize they are giving to one so undeserving as they ask for God’s help in destroying their fellow man.
V. Jurisdiction of God’s LoveOf the many complaints our client harbors against God, those complaints centered on the jurisdiction of God’s love are some of the fiercest offered up by Mankind. Our client argues that since God (and Love) were antecedent to everything within existence that their presence is everywhere, all the time, and must be so out of necessity being as though they are not only First Cause, but are in fact the Omnipotent Almighty. Therefore, any purposeful withholding of love from man by God, to include those instances where God purposely hardens people’s hearts or blinds their sense of humanity from compassion, are tragic acts of divine treason that all serve the same purpose of feeding God’s pathological appetite for attention.
VI. The Transfer of God’s LoveMankind asserts that while God promises man great, immense, and complete love he never really delivers. Instead, Mankind alleges, people are sent on wild goose chases where they hunt down holy shrouds, holy chalices, ancient holy scriptures, holy incantations and prayers, holy objects, and proofs of God and all things divine. God purposely blinds the hearts of men to the fact that all man needs to do in order to find and feel and experience the depth of love is to recognize love, then love themselves, then love one another. Mankind alleges that the reason why God persists to hide from people the fact that all already have love within themselves is that he (God) does not wish to lose or relinquish any of the attention he has managed to squeeze from the frail emotional sponge of humanity since times immortal.
VII. Delivery of God’s LoveMuch like the transfer of God’s Love, the delivery of the same has been thoroughly and maliciously tampered with according to Mankind. Much like God did to man at the Tower of Babel when he confused the speech and understanding of humans, God goes a step further with his reckless stirring of the pot of the delivery of love and craftily gives unto man many different interpretations of love. After he has done this, God sits back and gleefully claps his hands as he watches man fight over whose interpretation of love and the love of God is correct. Clergy, priests, popes, cardinals, preachers, reverends, televangelists, cult leaders, cult followers, messiahs, prophets, seers, elders, and many of the like tear at each others’ throats as they all clamor for the highest position within the hierarchy of love.
VIII. Notice of the Infallibility of God’s LoveHere, in what is the shortest complaint of Mankind in regards to the Contract of Love with God, Mankind simply states that God’s behavior and irrational decisions very clearly disqualify God’s love as being infallible, and in addition are proof that God was lying when he made such a claim that was entered into this contract as a stipulation.
IX. The Strength and Power of God’s LoveMankind asserts that God purposely, willingly, voluntarily, and recklessly utilized the strength of his omnipotence as an unfair advantage, a tool with which to dangle the divine love of the universe over the heads of man in a cruel action intended to serve as entertainment for God. In addition, and in true bully-fashion, whenever men would request help of God they were instructed to fight or kill their fellow men, to steal homelands not belonging to themselves, to adopt absurd sacrificial ceremonies, to harass and berate those who would think or believe or live or love differently, all as a requirement for earning the supposed true and amazing and all-encompassing love of God…something they never received.
X. Less Than Pleasant and Favorable CircumstancesHerein this complaint is where Mankind holds that God’s greatest treasonous tragedy is egregiously acted out upon humanity. In an effort to convince Mankind that the love and spiritual tools necessary to sustain a life lived in love and truth and happiness are only available through God, his instructions, and his whims, God purposely treats those who would refuse his assistance (mainly because it was definitely NOT the kind of assistance any reasonable and clear-thinking individual would request) with nothing short of contempt. It is then out of his irrational anger and devastated pride that God hurts people or creates horrible and impossible situations for them. Then, the next time someone appears to think differently or go rogue on God, God points to those he has caused great suffering to and says, “You see what happened to them? They didn’t listen They didn’t believe. Do you want that to happen to you?” Such behavior by God is nothing short of threatening Mankind and may be construed as using force of fear in influencing Mankind to sign this contract.
XI. LimitationsMankind holds that this particular stipulation is perhaps the most senseless as well as the most contradictory in its wording. The very idea that God’s Love is subject to some kind of limitation is pure stupidity. To prove this, one need only to remember that love is noted in the Bible as conquering all. ALL. There are no limitations on God, therefore since God is Love, it also has no limitations. If God is omnipotent, then so is love which should make it available to anyone and everyone at any time in any place. Since love conquers all there cannot exist within it any kind of hierarchy of action or supposed sin by which God doles out love in varying degrees according to what the individual receiving the love supposedly deserves. Love is incapable of withholding itself from someone based on any sexual orientation or preference, political affiliation, gender, cultural background, beliefs, faiths, prejudices, fears, or anything for that matter, because each one of those things is part of the ‘all’ that love conquers.
XII. Effect of AgreementHere is one of the screwiest parts of this contract. God notes that it is an agreement that is binding forever, through infinity, and into eternity. Notwithstanding the fact that God has violated every part of this agreement, but the dates entered into the agreement are in no way appropriate for Mankind. Sure, God and his love have been around forever, in infinity, and through Eternity…but Mankind has not been around forever, in infinity, and through eternity. So, for Mankind to sign a contract that denotes such is improper, for if Mankind can sign such an agreement with such dates of effect, and if God accepts this signature by Mankind, then God is in effect saying that Mankind has also been around from the very beginning of forever and in infinity and through eternity. What would that mean? That would mean that at best Mankind is equal to God, and at the least has been around just as long as God has.
After our review of this contract we would contact our client, Mankind, and inform him that he does indeed have all the necessary elements to file a cause of action for breach of contract against God.