Saturday, May 25, 2013

Instigator of All Instigators

Read Ester Lighthorse's newest book today!  

 I think it is utterly hilarious how some representatives of Christianity just cannot seem to come to terms with how violent a religion this Bible-based faith of theirs is. And it does not matter where in the world the war is taking place many in Christianity are quick to stir the pot of the End-Times Stew hoping to be proven correct about the Bible being totally true as the world goes up in a big ball of flames.
     Many within Christianity would be loathe to admit that they persistently stir the pots in any kitchen they might enter. Some of them will even tell you that they are doing the Lord's work in accordance with the End-Times dogma of one denomination or other.
     So what is it exactly that these fanatics, zealots and Bible-thumpers are hearing from God or Jesus? What is it exactly that God and Jesus are telling them to do? Well, luckily someone came across a correspondence between these fanatics and their God (God the Instigator) that very clearly shows what it is exactly that they are being divinely encouraged to do. Enjoy.

Setting the Stage for a Good Old Fashioned Riot
By: God the Instigator

Are you tired of the same old humdrum monotony of everyday life? Do you find yourself to be going insane with a lack of excitement? If so, I now offer to you one of the best ways to spice up your life: Plan and execute a good old fashioned riot.

Riots are without a doubt one of the best ways with which to cure chronic boredom. Riots have also been known to result in very interesting and palatable side effects to include helping or hindering political agendas and assisting individuals in getting away with murder. The rioting crowds that gathered around the Berlin Wall helped to bring it down with a resounding thud. During the year 2000 Presidential Elections in the United States, a time when the entire world directed its eyes and ears to a situation that was really quite hilarious, the threat of crowds mass rioting helped to stop the court proceedings that would most certainly have proven the proclaimed winner a lying cheat. Pity. I bet ‘The People’ would have enjoyed a couple of days of burning cars, destroying buildings, and calling in sick to work.

I did say riots could help an individual get away with murder, right? Well, here is the proof. The jury that found a certain aged football hero not guilty of two murders did so not because they thought he was actually not guilty. With visions of looters rummaging through businesses as though they were searching for Easter eggs and visions of thugs beating the piss out of countless innocent citizens still fresh in their memory, the jury found him not guilty because they realized that Los Angeles was not prepared to weather another riot so soon on the heels of the last one. Such a shame. If the jury could have held out for another six months I bet the city could have worked up enough capital for at least a three day riot.

Speaking of capital, what many people fail to realize is with a little genius and a lot of savvy, money can be made on riots. Remember that defunct Berlin Wall? Did you know many people earned loads of money selling off pieces of the wall as souvenirs? Super idea.

So, once you have decided that you want to have a riot it is important to consider proper rioting techniques. Failure to do so will result in your riot being a dud and not worth any jail time you may earn. The most important point to consider is where to have your riot. Riots and real estate share the first three important rules of location, location, location. Choose a location that will help your riot bloom and develop into full scale chaos. Top riot locations include elections, natural disasters, weddings, funerals, downtowns of major cities, abortion clinics, country border towns, courthouses, schools, church, the mall, and sports stadiums.

In reality there are only three locations that are not riot friendly. These are your home, the library, and a casino. You should never host a riot in your home. A home riot would most certainly destroy everything you own. Of course, if you are going through a bitter divorce and know your ex will probably be awarded half of everything you own, then definitely have a riot in your home. That way, your bitch or asshole of an ex can have everything…but it won’t be worth dick!

Rioting at a library is completely unrealistic since most libraries are dreadfully small and cannot hold the adequate numbers of people necessary to sustain your riot. Such a shame, since a book thrown like a screwball makes a wonderful weapon. Casinos are the last of the riot unfriendly locations and there are two reasons for this. First, casinos are always crawling with wanna-be cops, real cops, and other security personnel both armed and unarmed. Secondly, the majority of gamblers are very one-track minded and will not budge from their slot machines or card tables as they could give two shits and a rat’s ass about your riot.

Once you have decided on and mapped out your riot location you are ready to begin. All you need to do in order to begin is proclaim your beef. This means that as loudly as possible you should let everyone around you know what your problem is. If you can’t think of a problem simply make one up. Here are four examples: 1) “The governor smokes crack!” 2) “The moon landing was a hoax!” 3) “All banks have shut down and there is no more money!” 4) “California has just annexed Mexico!” Also, make use of catchy and incendiary slogans such as, “Hell no! We won’t go!”, “No justice, no damn freedom!”, “Give me liberty or give me death!”, “F**k the establishment!”, and “Power to the people!”

Carrying picket signs is a wonderful way to add to the chaotic ambiance of the situation. However, you will want to make sure that you are using a picket sign with a wooden handle. This is because later on down the line you may wish to stick the sign up a cop’s ass to make a copsicle, or use it as a general weapon. Cops are quick to frisk people for the usual weapons, confiscating such items. However, for some reason they overlook the likelihood  of picket signs being used as weapons.

Be sure that you are very, very over-dramatic in whatever it is you are doing. Ripping and tearing your clothing is a great way to increase crowd tensions as you will come across as a complete nut. What is even better, while you are whooping and hollering your issue drop to your knees, look up to the sky as if you are awaiting the return of Jesus the Messiah, and tear your shirt. This will make you appear as some type of martyr requesting help from God. 
Once you find a way to mix a little religion in with any riot it will automatically raise the riot to a higher and more deliciously dangerous situation. Trust me, nothing beats watching religious groups, even assumed religious groups duke it out. Seriously. Take the Protestants and Catholics in England and Ireland, for example. They’ve been fighting forever and I’m still not bored watching them fight.

Now that you have started the first real steps of beginning your riot start turning up the heat. Turn around and give the people closest to you a good, hard shove. If possible, knock them down to the ground. If they do not respond aggressively simply spit on them or kick them in the nuts. Congratulations! You are now a hair’s breadth away from full scale riot.

It is now at this point that you should take the first real destructive action by throwing something through a window. For whatever reason the sound of tinkling glass puts people into a frenzy. Toss a postal box through the nearest window and follow this action by shouting and chanting while you pump your fist in the air as though you have accomplished something really spectacular.

You have the full attention of the masses now so stoke the hot ember’s of the riot’s anger by proceeding to throw  more items through windows. Throw bricks through windows as though you were practicing for the Olympic Shot-Putt. If you throw like a girl get the guy next to you to throw it by promising him sex. If you do not have bricks remember that rocks will serve as a suitable substitute. City bus stop benches are a great novelty to toss, however due to their immense weight it will be necessary to enlist the aid of at least four fellow rioters.

You are now entering the exciting phase of full-blown riot. Overturn all cars in the vicinity by rocking them back and forth. For best effects do this to cop cars. Make some Molotov Cocktails for hot and spectacular excitement. Remember, since no riot is a good riot unless something burns to the ground be sure to set fire to anything even remotely flammable. Once the fires have started to merrily destroy buildings and other objects around you notice that the attention spans of cops are split between trying to bring the rioting crowds under control and trying to help fire crews put out the fires. At this time you should attack and capitalize on authority figures. Relieve cops of their weapons and when they fire the little tear gas projectiles in your direction be sure to toss them right back at the cops, preferably the cops without gas mask protection.

With any luck the riot you so cleverly constructed will last at least a couple of hours and at best a couple of days. Now you get to deal with the aftermath and the consequences of the riot. First things first, wash the pepper spray from your eyes. Secondly, use your one phone call to contact your attorney. Do not call friends and relatives as they cannot help you in your predicament. Thirdly, take the time to consider what possessions you can sell in order to post bail, that is if the court has not remanded you without bail. 

Last, but certainly not least, ask yourself and give great consideration as to whether or not the riot and the aftermath were worth the trouble. If they weren't then you either gave a half-assed effort or had zero clue about what you were doing. If they were worth it, bravo! Don’t let the five year prison sentence bother you. With a little good luck and a lot of good behavior you will serve only half that time and be released just in time to start another riot.

      I hope you have found my suggestions to be informative, feasible, and nothing short of pure, unadulterated mayhem. I bid you grace and peace.

Happy rioting.

No comments:

Post a Comment