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I think it is utterly hilarious how some representatives of Christianity just cannot seem to come to terms with how violent a religion this Bible-based faith of theirs is. And it does not matter where in the world the war is taking place many in Christianity are quick to stir the pot of the End-Times Stew hoping to be proven correct about the Bible being totally true as the world goes up in a big ball of flames.
Many within Christianity would be loathe to admit that they persistently stir the pots in any kitchen they might enter. Some of them will even tell you that they are doing the Lord's work in accordance with the End-Times dogma of one denomination or other.
So what is it exactly that these fanatics, zealots and Bible-thumpers are hearing from God or Jesus? What is it exactly that God and Jesus are telling them to do? Well, luckily someone came across a correspondence between these fanatics and their God (God the Instigator) that very clearly shows what it is exactly that they are being divinely encouraged to do. Enjoy.
Setting the Stage for a Good Old Fashioned Riot
By: God the Instigator
Are you tired of the same old humdrum
monotony of everyday life? Do you find yourself to be going insane with a lack
of excitement? If so, I now offer to you one of the best ways to spice up your
life: Plan and execute a good old fashioned riot.
Riots are without a doubt one of the
best ways with which to cure chronic boredom. Riots have also been known to
result in very interesting and palatable side effects to include helping or
hindering political agendas and assisting individuals in getting away with
murder. The rioting crowds that gathered around the Berlin Wall helped to bring
it down with a resounding thud. During the year 2000 Presidential Elections in
the United States, a time when the entire world directed its eyes and ears to a
situation that was really quite hilarious, the threat of crowds mass rioting
helped to stop the court proceedings that would most certainly have proven the
proclaimed winner a lying cheat. Pity. I bet ‘The People’ would have enjoyed a
couple of days of burning cars, destroying buildings, and calling in sick to
work.
I did say riots could help an
individual get away with murder, right? Well, here is the proof. The jury that
found a certain aged football hero not guilty of two murders did so not because
they thought he was actually not guilty. With visions of looters rummaging
through businesses as though they were searching for Easter eggs and visions of
thugs beating the piss out of countless innocent citizens still fresh in their
memory, the jury found him not guilty because they realized that Los Angeles
was not prepared to weather another riot so soon on the heels of the last one.
Such a shame. If the jury could have held out for another six months I bet the
city could have worked up enough capital for at least a three day riot.
Speaking of capital, what many people
fail to realize is with a little genius and a lot of savvy, money can be made
on riots. Remember that defunct Berlin Wall? Did you know many people earned
loads of money selling off pieces of the wall as souvenirs? Super idea.
So, once you have decided that you
want to have a riot it is important to consider proper rioting techniques.
Failure to do so will result in your riot being a dud and not worth any jail
time you may earn. The most important point to consider is where to have your
riot. Riots and real estate share the first three important rules of location,
location, location. Choose a location that will help your riot bloom and
develop into full scale chaos. Top riot locations include elections, natural
disasters, weddings, funerals, downtowns of major cities, abortion clinics,
country border towns, courthouses, schools, church, the mall, and sports
stadiums.
In reality there are only three
locations that are not riot friendly. These are your home, the library, and a
casino. You should never host a riot in your home. A home riot would most
certainly destroy everything you own. Of course, if you are going through a
bitter divorce and know your ex will probably be awarded half of everything you
own, then definitely have a riot in your home. That way, your bitch or asshole
of an ex can have everything…but it won’t be worth dick!
Rioting at a library is completely
unrealistic since most libraries are dreadfully small and cannot hold the
adequate numbers of people necessary to sustain your riot. Such a shame, since
a book thrown like a screwball makes a wonderful weapon. Casinos are the last
of the riot unfriendly locations and there are two reasons for this. First, casinos
are always crawling with wanna-be cops, real cops, and other security personnel
both armed and unarmed. Secondly, the majority of gamblers are very one-track
minded and will not budge from their slot machines or card tables as they could
give two shits and a rat’s ass about your riot.
Once you have decided on and mapped
out your riot location you are ready to begin. All you need to do in order to
begin is proclaim your beef. This means that as loudly as possible you should
let everyone around you know what your problem is. If you can’t think of a
problem simply make one up. Here are four examples: 1) “The governor smokes
crack!” 2) “The moon landing was a hoax!” 3) “All banks have shut down and
there is no more money!” 4) “California has just annexed Mexico!” Also, make
use of catchy and incendiary slogans such as, “Hell no! We won’t go!”, “No
justice, no damn freedom!”, “Give me liberty or give me death!”, “F**k the
establishment!”, and “Power to the people!”
Carrying picket signs is a wonderful
way to add to the chaotic ambiance of the situation. However, you will want to
make sure that you are using a picket sign with a wooden handle. This is
because later on down the line you may wish to stick the sign up a cop’s ass to
make a copsicle, or use it as a general weapon. Cops are quick to frisk people
for the usual weapons, confiscating such items. However, for some reason they
overlook the likelihood of picket signs
being used as weapons.
Be sure that you are very, very
over-dramatic in whatever it is you are doing. Ripping and tearing your
clothing is a great way to increase crowd tensions as you will come across as a
complete nut. What is even better, while you are whooping and hollering your
issue drop to your knees, look up to the sky as if you are awaiting the return
of Jesus the Messiah, and tear your shirt. This will make you appear as some
type of martyr requesting help from God.
Once you find a way to mix a little
religion in with any riot it will automatically raise the riot to a higher and more
deliciously dangerous situation. Trust me, nothing beats watching religious
groups, even assumed religious groups duke it out. Seriously. Take the
Protestants and Catholics in England and Ireland, for example. They’ve been
fighting forever and I’m still not bored watching them fight.
Now that you have started the first
real steps of beginning your riot start turning up the heat. Turn around and
give the people closest to you a good, hard shove. If possible, knock them down
to the ground. If they do not respond aggressively simply spit on them or kick
them in the nuts. Congratulations! You are now a hair’s breadth away from full
scale riot.
It is now at this point that you
should take the first real destructive action by throwing something through a
window. For whatever reason the sound of tinkling glass puts people into a
frenzy. Toss a postal box through the nearest window and follow this action by
shouting and chanting while you pump your fist in the air as though you have
accomplished something really spectacular.
You have the full attention of the
masses now so stoke the hot ember’s of the riot’s anger by proceeding to
throw more items through windows. Throw
bricks through windows as though you were practicing for the Olympic Shot-Putt.
If you throw like a girl get the guy next to you to throw it by promising him
sex. If you do not have bricks remember that rocks will serve as a suitable
substitute. City bus stop benches are a great novelty to toss, however due to
their immense weight it will be necessary to enlist the aid of at least four
fellow rioters.
You are now entering the exciting
phase of full-blown riot. Overturn all cars in the vicinity by rocking them
back and forth. For best effects do this to cop cars. Make some Molotov
Cocktails for hot and spectacular excitement. Remember, since no riot is a good
riot unless something burns to the ground be sure to set fire to anything even
remotely flammable. Once the fires have started to merrily destroy buildings
and other objects around you notice that the attention spans of cops are split
between trying to bring the rioting crowds under control and trying to help
fire crews put out the fires. At this time you should attack and capitalize on
authority figures. Relieve cops of their weapons and when they fire the little
tear gas projectiles in your direction be sure to toss them right back at the
cops, preferably the cops without gas mask protection.
With any luck the riot you so
cleverly constructed will last at least a couple of hours and at best a couple
of days. Now you get to deal with the aftermath and the consequences of the
riot. First things first, wash the pepper spray from your eyes. Secondly, use
your one phone call to contact your attorney. Do not call friends and relatives
as they cannot help you in your predicament. Thirdly, take the time to consider
what possessions you can sell in order to post bail, that is if the court has
not remanded you without bail.
Last, but certainly not least, ask yourself and
give great consideration as to whether or not the riot and the aftermath were
worth the trouble. If they weren't then you either gave a half-assed effort or
had zero clue about what you were doing. If they were worth it, bravo! Don’t
let the five year prison sentence bother you. With a little good luck and a lot
of good behavior you will serve only half that time and be released just in
time to start another riot.
I
hope you have found my suggestions to be informative, feasible, and nothing
short of pure, unadulterated mayhem. I bid you grace and peace.
Happy rioting.
